Have you ever caught a red flag on the first date? You know, when something tells you that there is danger ahead. A nice thing about being an older, non-traditional student, is that I have an abundance of relational experience, and I have been through good and bad relationships with myself and my offspring. I would like to share a brief summary of some key actions and phrases to look out for when you are entering a new relationship, and it applies to both friend and romantic interest.

In my experience, mutual respect and communication are the two most important qualities. The New York State government (ny.gov) says that, “Healthy relationships involve honesty, trust, respect, and open communication…There is no imbalance of power. Partners respect each other’s independence…and share decisions.”

Is your person of interest (POI) able to smile and have a conversation with your family and other friends? Even an introvert can muster the courage to say Hi and have a brief chat with important people in your life. If they do not want to meet your family or friends, or speak poorly about them behind their back, that can be a red flag.

Does your POI have any friends or family they want you to meet? If they try to keep you from having friends or spending time with family, theirs or yours, that can be a red flag.

Does your POI have any interests, hobbies, goals, or dreams they are pursuing? Someone who makes you the only thing in their life is most likely not emotionally healthy. I have struggled with codependency in the past, and I know plenty of normally-functioning people with codependent tendencies, but a person being clingy, possessive, jealous, or making you the most important thing in their life can be a red flag.

How does your POI treat the janitors, the wait staff, or the cashier after they have been waiting in line a long time? Are they equally polite to everyone or do they think they are better than certain people? If they do not treat everyone with equal respect it can be a red flag.

While chemistry and attraction are important, a foundation of mutual respect and trust needs to be in place before the infatuation wears off. Love is not instant or at first sight, love, including friendship, is an investment of your time and energy into another person and, when done right, can give you a lifetime of rewards to share.

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